Darryl’s Top 5 – Misguided Moustaches

Movember is upon us. The month of the year in which it is completely acceptable to let that little slug crawl across your top lip without people pointing and laughing as they usually would. Men like me, who are fundamentally unable to produce a decent moustache, can use the thinly veiled guise of ‘charity’ to let us explore our none-existent masculinity. Its not always that simple, though. Occasionally people depart the safe-ground of Movember and attempt to grow some face fuzz at other times of the year. Lets take a look at some of these misguided souls.


Number 5: Kevin Connolly

The real issue with Entourage actor Kevin Connolly’s moustache is not its depth, nor its length or positioning; it’s quite simply the colour. It is, without question, impossible to pull off a tash if you are ginger. I speak as a ginger myself. I’ve spent my whole adult life looking like I’ve strapped a squirrel’s tale to my top lip. Sorry, Kev, its a blatant no.

Tash Kevin Connoly

Number 4: Joey Barton

Footballer Joey Barton doesn’t need much help in the ‘looking like a douchbag’ department. His embarrassing twitter antics and his on-field strops haven’t done much to endear him to the public, so much so that he fled the UK to play for French club Marseille in 2012. Fortunately for them, Barton didn’t speak much French on arrival, so they couldn’t be subject to his completely contradictory, patronizing quotes from “philosophical hero” George Orwell. Clearly frustrated by the lack of mockery coming his way, he decided it would be a good idea to grow this ridiculous moustache and complete his transformation into a Harry Enfield character.

Newcastle United's  Barton watches ahead of their English Premier League soccer match against Manchester United at Old Trafford in Manchester

Number 3: Paul Rudd

Believe it or not, there is actually a Paul Rudd underneath that moustache. The Hollywood actor strikes you as the kind of guy that could pull it off, given the right cosy jumper to match. Unfortunately for Rudd, this effort is so out of control that it simply makes him look like your old Maths teacher. Remember the one that would make desperate attempts to be cool by using words like ‘dude’ and ‘Wazzzup?’. Yep. That’s him.

Tash Paul Rudd

Number 2: Michael Cera

Michael Cera has taken a real hit for the team with this one. He is bravely demonstrating what happens when you attempt a tash without being physically able to get a decent bush going. Fair-haired fellows of the world take note. Don’t let this good man’s shame be in vain. The look on his face reads, “Yeah, I know this isn’t working. I know I look like a child has accidentally glued a fuzzy felt to my face. And you know what? I’m fine with it.” Rock on, Michael, rock on.

Tash Michael Cera

Number 1: Justin Bieber

Its hard to tell if Justin Bieber has accidentally left behind a splash of his MochaCappaLatte in this horrifying picture that surfaced a few months ago. Justin has also had his fair share of awkward encounters with nightclub doormen of late, this could be an effort to give him more swarve and sophistication as he approaches his favourite cocktail bar, or simply a way of proving that he IS in fact pubescent. Either way, Tom Selleck he ain’t and this will only ever be remembered as a disaster. He isn’t the first and I doubt he will be the last.

Tash Bieber


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By Darryl Morris

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